What would it be like to spend 24 hours in a barrel?

Horrible, that's what it would be like! That's an entire book right there: the horror of spending 24 hours in a barrel. I know The Hobbit is a children's book, but since I'm not a child (anymore), I can't help being stunned by the sheer awfulness of the barrel-escape.


Can you imagine the terror at being trapped in a barrel with no idea of when you might be released, if at all? Sort of like being buried alive, but with less legroom and a chance of slowly drowning if there were any leaks. What would it be like to have Bilbo Baggins your only hope at survival? Each dwarf could only wait, alone and in complete darkness, not knowing if he would suffocate, be smashed on rocks, or die of thirst before Bilbo let him out. Assuming Bilbo survived the escape.


Tolkien alludes to the beating that some of the dwarves took, bouncing around in the larger barrels. He also mentions the problems of thirst and lack of air, which I think would be far more worse than presented in the story. And he mentions that the dwarves were filthy when they came out of the barrels. This would be an understatement.


I've never gone 24 hours without peeing. Few people have. Perhaps dwarves are different than humans in this regard, and we know they're very tough. Even though they had nothing to drink in those barrels, it would either be maddening to hold it for that long, or disgusting if you couldn't. The only way to make the dark, lonely, cramped, terrifying, barrel-escape even worse would be if you wet your pants. 


I'm no dwarf, but I would have remained a prisoner of the wood elves forever rather than accept Bilbo's incredibly dangerous and difficult plan. Considering he wasn't sure how, when or where he would let the dwarves out, the word "plan" may not be appropriate.

Birthday Observance Idea

See how long you can put off going to the bathroom. Tough isn't even the word for those dwarves! I can't drive from Chicago to St. Louis without stopping at least once.

To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit, (which does not dwell on bodily functions, unlike this post: my apologies to my more sensitive readers) order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK

To visit The Wobbit website: http://www.thewobbitaparody.com

Sept 4: Smaug can fly, but what is Laketown's main defense against him?

Smaug is a flying dragon, not a fire drake or a basilisk or a Tyrannosaurus Rex. To protect themselves against his attacks, the people of Laketown built their city in the middle of the Long Lake. One has to respect their spunk, but not their reasoning. Didn't they consider the possibility that he might attack them from the air, which is in fact what he does in The Hobbit? Or were they hoping he would fly from his lair in the Lonely Mountain, land nearby, and then give up when he realized his victims were across the water from him?

Even as Smaug is making his first airborne attack, Bard the Bowman orders that the bridges be cut. Again, it's admirable that he sticks to the plan and doesn't panic, but really! That just makes it harder to evacuate the non-combatants. Smaug is still able to attack just fine without having to arrive on foot.

It's not even a matter of whether Smaug has functioning wings or not, unlike the Balrog in The Fellowship Of The Ring. Many is the idle hour I've argued with fellow nerds about whether the Balrog had wings and if so, why did he fall to his death when Gandalf shattered the bridge of Khazad-dum? But that's neither here nor there. Smaug flies from the Lonely Mountain to Laketown, maybe he's just bad at vertical landings. Perhaps he needs a little room, more like an auto gyro rather than a helicopter.

Birthday Observance Idea

Consider other poor defense strategies, but do not attempt them. Climbing a tree to escape a bear, wearing garlic to stop a werewolf, or declaring your country neutral to turn away the Nazis are all good examples. Please share your results!

To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit, order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK

To visit The Wobbit website: http://www.thewobbitaparody.com

Sept. 3: Bilbo was able to kill giant spiders by throwing rocks at them

Tolkien made it very clear that Hobbits have excellent hand-to-eye coordination. We all know that the birds and beasts of The Shire ran if they saw a hobbit stoop for a stone. I'll accept that Bilbo could throw a rock very hard and very accurately. If he could kill a rabbit, that would be extraordinary. Could anyone other than a major league pitcher with a 97 mile per hour fastball actually kill a wild animal by throwing a rock at it?


Could anyone throw a rock well enough to kill a giant spider? Bulbo killed a number of giant spiders in Mirkwood. They weren't super-giant spiders, like pilot Clint Eastwood killed with napalm in Tarantula. But even if they were only the size of an Irish Wolfhound, killing one with a rock would be difficult. Even if it stood completely still. Spiders (even giant spiders) have chitinous exoskeletons, which would repel most attacks. If not, what's the point of being a spider? 


Plus, one must assume that giant spiders have a limited number of vulnerable spots, but what would they be, other than the brain? You can't kick them in the groin or punch their kidneys. Bilbo went for the eyes with Sting, but that's not a lethal blow. Three books later, Sam Gamgee mortally wounded Shelob with a lucky blow to the abdomen from underneath, but Shelob provided all the force for the blow herself. Could Bilbo really have killed all those spiders by hitting them in the head with a rock? 


On the other hand, could Bilbo's ring really make anyone invisible? 

Birthday Observance Idea

Please, don't attempt to kill a creature of any size with a thrown rock. But ask around a see if you know anyone that ever did so. Or rent the film Tarantula (1955, directed by Jack Arnold) to see a factually based, highly realistic depiction of how humans, rather than hobbits, fight giant spiders. I love the smell of napalm in the morning, Bilbo.

To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit, order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK

To visit The Wobbit website: http://www.thewobbitaparody.com

Sept. 2: Bilbo's share of the treasure was one bag of gold and one bag of silver

No, Bilbo, no! Take two bags of gold!

It doesn't take a lifetime in banking to know that gold is more valuable than silver. Anyone that's ever bought jewelry knows it. Hasn't Bilbo ever been to the Hobbiton Zales Jewellers to pick up a few mathoms?

True, gold weighs about twice as much as silver (Bilbo's pony couldn't have liked that) but it doesn't tarnish. Also, (and this is important) it's worth sixty times more than silver. Was the precious metal market that much different in Middle Earth than it is here and now? Plus, the weight differance would have been hard to balance for the previously mentioned pony.

Who talked Bilbo into this deal? I would have suspected Thorin, cheapskate as he was, but he was dead by the time the treasure was divided up. The Master of Laketown would have been a good suspect, too, but he was already embezzling and on the run. Gandalf had nothing to gain from the deal, since he didn't take any of Smaug's loot. That leaves Balin, with his "sharp eyes." He must have seen an easy way of bilking Bilbo with those sharp eyes. Shame on you, Balin!

Birthday Observance Idea
Make a bad financial decision. In today's market, it's easy. Contact Bernie Madoff and see if he's accepting new clients. Put all your savings into the stock market. Change your 401k allocation so that all your money is in your employer's stock. For that matter, just go to a restaurant, pay with a credit card and tell your server to write in whatever tip they'd like. If you're as rich as Bilbo, it won't matter!

To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit, order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK

To visit The Wobbit website: http://www.thewobbitaparody.com

Sept 1: Thorin & Company brought no weapons on their quest

So, you're going on a quest to take your treasure back from a dragon. He may not want to let you have it. And the journey is likely to be dangerous. What would you include in you bags, parcels and paraphernalia?

Personally, I would include weapons of some sort. Swords, spears, perhaps a mace or a halberd. Things that would be handy when fighting trolls, goblins, giant spiders, wargs, even elves. But until they plundered two swords and a dagger from the three trolls, no one in the company was armed. Not even Gandalf.

Even if they planned to steal all the treasure from Smaug, bringing weapons would have been a good idea. Even if they thought Smaug was dead, it would have been wise to bring weapons along. Assuming that Thorin was clueless, Gandalf should have considered traveling armed. Unless he considered Bilbo himself to be the only weapon the company needed.

Birthday Observance Idea

Go on a trip and leave a key item behind. Go to the beach without sunscreen, go on a picnic without anything to drink, go to a concert without tickets. You will be walking in Thorin's massive, iron-bound boots. But be sure to invite a hobbit, too.

To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit, order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK

To visit The Wobbit website: http://www.thewobbitaparody.com

Twenty Two Oddities From The Hobbit

In recognition of the birthday of Bilbo (and Frodo) Baggins, I thought I would share 22 of the funniest things I've noticed about The Hobbit. Funny as in "weird" or "Why did Tolkien do that?" I love The Hobbit, more than Lord Of The Rings, and I'm pointing out these oddities with great respect. They're part of why I love The Hobbit so much. 

I've also incorporated these oddities into a full-length eBook available from Amazon: The Wobbit A Parody (Of Tolkien's The Hobbit). It's the only parody of it's kind available in the convenient eBook format. After you place your order, you don't even need a Kindle. You can simply download the free Kindle App to any PC, Mac, laptop, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry, microwave oven or Android-powered device.

If possible, each daily post will also feature a way to celebrate Bilbo's birthday, beyond the usual wearing a costume around campus or dancing the springle-ring in a nearby park.

Order a copy of my The Wobbit on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK

To visit The Wobbit website: http://www.thewobbitaparody.com